I’m sorry if I upset you. All of these years of my meddling Must have felt pretty unsettling So now you’ve got me questioning If this is all my fault?
Popping that pill to prevent the very thing That I now desire more than anything… But I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t ready And then I still wasn’t ready, and now I’m steadily Falling apart.
The first few months I expected And of course I completely respected Your choice to be erratic, But now it’s become problematic Because I’m struggling to cope.
You see it is messing with my head That it’s been seven weeks since I bled And once again this teasing, taunting, single line Tells me it is not meant to be this time. Will it ever be?
I’m getting so tired of all this waiting And wondering if I am even ovulating; I find myself peeing on sticks in the morning, Those packets should come with a trigger warning Of intensely irrational moods.
Was it your idea? Your cruel and twisted game, Of early pregnancy and period symptoms feeling the same? My stomach has ached, I’ve been emotional and wept And upon feeling tender boobs, many times my heart has leapt In a brief moment of false hope.
Your refusal to regulate my cycle on demand, I am sure is for a greater good I am yet to understand. Meanwhile I will pray for my period not to come, And I will try so very hard not to scream at anyone Who suggests I might need to relax or not think about it.
The power is in your hands so please, please be kind And stop me from losing my once positive and healthy mind. I am being utterly consumed by this maternal obsession, Trying not to succumb to a deep, dark depression And you can change it all with a single heartbeat.
Please Mother Nature, Let me understand what it is to be a Mother, Because I need to know. Period.